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Saturday, June 19, 2010

Mothers and Fathers

I've been debating if I should post about an event that occurred in our lives recently, or if I shouldn't.
I've decided that I feel I should, so here goes.
About a month ago, I had a miscarriage. I was about 7 weeks pregnant.
It's been one of the most difficult things I have been through, and I'm sure some people want to only tell those close to them, because it is personal, but I found that when it happened I wanted to talk to everyone and anyone about it.
I started to get really confused about the unwritten rule, of not telling people you're pregnant until you are farther along in your pregnancy. We hadn't told a lot of people we were expecting, but when I miscarried I needed support and told friends and others who had no idea I was pregnant. This was difficult because they never got the chance to be happy for us, and to share our excitement...they only got the sad news.
I am also posting this because this is not an uncommon occurrence for women, but it seems less common because no one talks about it. I needed to know I wasn't alone, and as I talked with people I found out that this has happened to more people than I had thought. I just wish we could talk about it more freely so that we don't have to feel alone in our pain. So that we know others have been where we have been. I hope I can be that person for other women. And that is one of the main reasons I am posting this.

One thing about having a miscarriage is when you do tell people, they sometime say all the wrong things. Sometimes hurtful things, even though they don't mean to. I'm sure I have said some pretty stupid things to other people in the past when they have been in this situation.
This happens I believe because people don't know what to say.
They also want to make things better, and want to help.
But my advice to others is the best thing you can say is "I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?"
We have this instinct to try to make people happy, and fix things, but in my experience I just wanted to be sad about it, and I wanted other people to acknowledge that I was allowed to be sad.
I also think that the father's need more support too. It quickly became all about me, and not many people asked how Caleb was doing. It is hard on him too. But he has been such a strength to me and has been so amazing.
And I still am sad.
I still think about it everyday.
It is so devastating to be so excited about having a baby and then all of sudden you're not anymore. You feel so out of control...and you are.
It hurts to have lost your baby that you already loved so much.

But, we have faith and hope that things will get better, and that one day we will have a healthy, beautiful family together.

I am also so thankful for amazing friends and family who have supported us and shown us so much love. A few days after it happened my Mom and my sister came up to Calgary to just be with me. It was nice to have them here because I finally got out of the house. We went to the mall, played with Skye's kids and had a great time.

I posted some pictures of that day below.
These pictures also remind me how much I love Caleb, and that he is going to be such an amazing Dad. Stratton just absolutely loves Caleb and for good reason. He is so good with him, so patient and kind and fun. I have never doubted the fact that Caleb will be a great Father.
So a big Happy Father's Day to my own Dad, I love you!!
And also to Caleb, my sweet husband.


Maurene said...

Oh my Kailey, I love you so much. I wish I could take the pain away. The future holds many great things for you. Just hand onto that thought.

Life as a Kenessey said...

I love your fearless honesty and the way that speak so heartfelt. I learned a long time ago NOT to make things better for people or to try to explain their pain away. Thank you again for the reminder and your post. I am sorry for your loss but appreciate your story! I too think I love Caleb after seeing those pictures!!! LOL!

Skye and Aaron said...

Oh kakes...i love you! I think about you constantly and you're always in our prayers. Thanks for posting those pics. I just love them!!!
My kids just adore you two!!

Jennie & Jeff said...

I have learned it is ok to feel sad, it hurts and it is hard, and you will always miss baby. Your due date will come and it will be hard again. The only thing to do is to keep going, love hard and look for the happy things. Come what may...

The Lawlor's said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and the little one you will meet in heaven.

You hit it right on...people need to just say they are sorry. Don't say that you will get pregnant again...etc, etc.

One reason that women do not like to talk about a miscarriage, for me anyway, is that I don't want to relive the pain. Talking helps sometimes but then others that is not what I want to do.

I hope you and Caleb will be blessed with what you need at this time and know that I am thinking about you both.
Kari Lawlor

Ashley said...

Kailey, I know we didn't get to know each other very well while you were in halifax but I always thought we would get along well if you two had stuck around...

That being said, I am so sorry you had to go through that! I know exactly how you feel, I also felt like I needed to tell people, like i needed support and I think you are so brave for posting about it. I have a great amount of sympathy for Caleb too, I know Chad took it really hard and i think I felt worse for him than for myself.

You are allowed to feel sad...for as long as it takes, but I hope for only good things for you and Caleb from now on!

Lyndsey said...

Love you so much, Kail!!

Andi & Jared's Kingdom said...

We love you both!

Jessica said...

Love you guys! xoxoxo