Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I can't believe how fast the time has flown. It is hard to imagine that in three months we will have a little baby...really how do you wrap your head around that? I am feeling this little guy move so much lately. From the first time I felt him move it has always been very strong kicks, he's got some muscles! His movements have been so strong that sometimes they startle me and make me jump! I love laying in bed with caleb with his hand on my belly and having him feel the baby move...not much is better than that. He is much more active when i want to sleep! But I hear that's pretty normal.
A few weeks ago I have started to get some pain in my upper ribs. I am convinced it's not him kicking me because the pain is up so high, I think it must be things in my body shifting around. the pain is worse if i'm sitting down for long periods of time, which has made work a bit difficult. My feet and ankles have also started swelling! they look awful!! Hopefully it's not permanent!
Probably the craziest thing has been seeing my belly button change. I have always had a very deep innie, and to actually be able to see the bottom of my belly button has been so strange! I seriously comment on it all the time and I think Caleb must think I'm crazy.
I have gained quite a bit of weight...i've stopped weighing myself because I don't think I need the unecessary psychological damage of seeing the number on the scale. I have to admit i probably have been eating a lot more than I need to. Gaining the weight has probably been one of the most difficult parts for me, but definitely is worth it, and I have to keep telling myself that I can loose the weight after...so i need to stop worrying about it! Right?
Caleb has been amazing. So supportive and helpful. Always picking things up off the floor for me, :) getting me glasses of water, and taking over a lot of the housework. I appreciate his help so much. He never complains about it either. He is always talking to the baby and rubbing my belly. When he goes away he says that he will miss me, but he'll also miss the baby. I love that he's already so involved.
Caleb and I also decided to take hypnobirthing courses. I have wanting been researching the positives to a natural childbirth long before I was pregnant, and it's something I feel will be best for me. These courses have helped me to feel more confident in my ability to do so. For more info check out this link.
Caleb says it has been really helpful for him in feeling less fearful about the experience of birth, and it has been great for me as well. It's refreshing to be able to talk about childbirth, and take out the idea of fear, and not having to hear all the horror stories that people love to share. I still have a lot of practice to do with my relaxation techniques, but i'm hoping the course will help me through the birthing process.
Overall, this has been such an amazing experience. I can't quite wrap my head around the idea that there is actually a little baby in my stomach! I already love him so much, and am getting so excited to meet him!
We love you baby!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
His job has given us many amazing opportunities to do so. With me being pregnant and all, we will probably have less chances to get away as just the two of us in the near future. While I was still at work part-time, it worked us for us to do a last minute get away. We went to a resort in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. I went to the MTC there, but had never gotten to experience the beaches! It was our first time doing all inclusive, and it was well worth it! It was such a relaxing trip, not having to worry about anything. The weather was hot and perfect, and it was so nice to get away and relax. Babymoon success!
Windsurfing was actually one of the free activities at the resort. I didn't go obviously, but Caleb got a lesson and although he said it was really difficult I thought he did pretty well!
Most of our time was spent between the pool and the beach. We had to wake up early to get spots by the pool in the shade, but it was well worth it as we would have burnt to a crisp without them! Our main activities were reading, swimming, and going to the grill by the buffet for delicious chicken!
We usually went to this bar while waiting to get into whichever restaurant we had chosen that night. They had a buffet and four different restaurants, french, asian, american steakhouse, and italian, and they didn't do reservations for them so we usually we waiting for a bit if we didn't get there early. We had the same server who would make us these delcious non-alcoholic drinks because I told her I was pregnant. Yum!!
Us at the asian restaurant.
We also spent a lot of time eating Mangoes! We had to get them early, because later in the day they would all be gone. Soooooooo delicious!
Taking out the catamarans was also free. I was a little freaked out to take it out, but felt reassured when we went out and the water stayed very shallow. It was so fun! I guess we only had half an hour, which they failed to tell us, so we brought it back late. Oops!!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
We had our first ultrasound at 13 weeks, and then another scheduled for 18 weeks. At 18 weeks they are able to predict the sex of the baby, and I had known from the start that I wanted to know. I don't think I could have handled not knowing the whole time! Caleb was happy with whatever I decided and jumped on board.
We had a really cute plan for how we wanted to find out. A friend of ours told us about this great idea. She knew a couple who had the ultrasound tech write down the sex on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope for them. They then went shopping and picked out a girl outfit and a boy outfit, without looking in the envelope. They took both outfits to the till and asked the clerk to look in the envelope and wrap up the appropriate outfit without telling them. They then went to dinner and opened the outfit together to find out what they were having.
When I heard this story I have to admit I cried! And I thought it would be so fun for us to do.
On Friday morning we headed to the hospital for our ultrasound. It was a long one as the tech was checking everything, and was taking a lot of pictures...which did worry me a bit, but what doesn't! So at the end she asks us if we want to know the sex, and we say yes but i asked her if she could write it down for us. Well our dreams were crushed when she told us that legally she wasn't able to! So our plan B was just to have her tell us. Our baby wasn't shy and she told us "as you can see, it's clearly a boy." It was not at all clear to us! But we trusted she knew what she was looking at, and I still do worry that maybe she didn't and she was wrong! Please someone reassure me!! Although people always have stories for me where the tech was wrong!!
I was a bit shocked to hear it was a boy. Everyone in both our families guessed girl...except for my Mom when she changed her mind right before we told her. She's always right. :) I did have my heart set on making little bows and flowers for a girl, but now I am so excited to be having a little boy!
Here's me the day of our ultrasound at 18 weeks.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Here's where it all began...with these two little tests.
Actually it all began in May of last year. We were on a trip to Utah visiting one of my best friends/former mission companion. We had decided to start trying a month prior to the trip, and I was pretty sure my period was late. I had already taken a test before the trip that came out negative, and left me pretty sad. Caleb was hesitant to have me take another one, as I was so sad after the previous test. I convinced him and at a trip to target we picked one up. We waited until we were back at Rachelle's sisters house to take it later that evening. I took it, set it on the counter and remember just sitting there staring at it. A second line appeared, and i have to admit I was pretty shocked! Only a month of trying and we were pregnant! I told Caleb to come into the bathroom and told him. We were both so excited and anxious at the same time. We told our friend Rachelle and we all celebrated the good news.
I went to the doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed when we got home, and after that called our families to share the news. Our baby was due December 27th, 2010. A few weeks later on a visit to Lethbridge I had started spotting and cramping. I looked up miscarriage symptoms in the book I got at the Doctors, and was getting pretty scared. I told my Mom and my sister and they reassured me that some spotting could be normal. I tried to reassure myself that everything would be ok, and we headed out on our drive home. I was still cramping pretty badly on the way home, but tried not to think about it. One part of this drive will always stick out in my mind. We stopped halfway to get something to eat at A&W. It was raining, and we ate in the car. Caleb and I were laughing and talking. Caleb looked at me and said "this is a moment I will remember for the rest of my life." I felt so much love from him in that moment and I will never forget it.
Once we got home, my bleeding got heavier and I instantly broke down. I knew in that moment what was happening. I called health link and the nurse advised me to go to the emergency room. Our experience at the ER was less than ideal. We spent a total of 16 hours there...overnight. They put an IV in my arm which was so painful, took a lot of blood, and took my blood pressure a lot. I would try to lay down and sleep for a bit on the chairs in the waiting room just to get called back again, and to again have no progress made in my diagnosis. We saw a million different nurses, a couple doctors, all of whom kept asking me the same questions over and over. It was such a horrible experience. They eventually sent us home for three hours to sleep, and then told us to come back early in the morning for an ultrasound.
We went back, waiting around again for the ultrasound. I remember laying there on that bed trying to look at the screen and trying to figure out what was going on. They sent us back to wait again and were finally seen by a doctor. He was actually , very sympathetic, and broke us the sad news. We had lost the baby. It was Mother's Day.
I was lucky enough to take the next couple weeks off work, and really barely left the house. The healing process was difficult and seemed to take forever. It was so hard on both me and Caleb. It's still hard, and I still often think and wonder about that little baby I lost.
We were advised to wait a bit before trying again. We waited a couple months, and I knew the best thing for me would to be pregnant again as soon as possible. I hadn't expected it to be anything but easy, because it only took us a month last time.
Month after month went by...and I started to get more and more worried. I worried myself crazy and was so depressed and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant. 8 months went by, and with them came a lot of negative pregnancy tests, and a lot of tears. I was tracking my cycles religiously, so if i was at all late i knew it.
I wasn't quite late, but it was the first day I could take a pregnancy test...and it was on my mind...as it was all the time of late. I waited until the morning to take it. I was scheduled to work late that day, and Caleb was already at school. I took the test and didn't look at it for a while, fearing the worst. I went back and saw one line...and then one other faint line. I instantly broke into tears...and then I figured it must be wrong. It was so light...it had to be wrong. I googled myself silly, and came to the conclusion that false positives are rare and almost never happen. I put the test in a ziplock bag and it might sound crazy, but i took it to work with me. I kept it in my desk drawer and had to look at it every 15 minutes. I just couldn't believe it was real...and at this point I really didn't believe it. I had to work my whole shift until I could get home and tell Caleb what was going on.
I came home, and asked him to come look at something. I gave him the pregnancy test...he studied it for a minute, and then looked at me and said "you're not pregnant." He wasn't as well versed in pregnancy tests as I was. :) I told him it meant that I was...at least I thought I was. We hugged and I cried, but were still hesitant. I felt robbed of the whole experience this time. I wanted so badly just to be so excited and not worry...but the worst case scenerio just lingered in the back of my mind. Caleb was hesitant too.
I took another test in the morning and it looked similar. We told our family a few days later. My Mom instantly broke into tears...and so did I. She was so happy....and so I was, but I was still so anxious. I went to the doctor a few weeks later to have it confirmed.
It took a while for it to all sink in, and it finally did. I was still so worried, and was so anxious for our first ultrasound at 13 weeks. I was preparing for the worst. It was so relieving and amazing to see that little baby on the screen, and when the tech finally showed us the heartbeat i was able to relax a bit. It all became more real and more exciting. I was really sick this time, which was horrible, but reassuring as well.
We actually bought a doppler second hand, which was the best purchase ever. It really put my mind at ease to be able to hear that little heartbeat each night before I went to bed. I think the moment when i was able to truly relax and enjoy this pregnancy and when I was able to feel him move. I absolutely love feeling him kick and move around, and it often brings me to tears.
Although we went through some sorrow to get to this point, I feel like it has really helped me be so grateful to be a mother. I have never taken this experience for granted, and have tried my best not to complain, because I know there are so many others who would do anything to trade places with me. I still have anxieties and fears, but for now I am trying my best just to enjoy this experience while I have it. I love having this sweet little baby growing inside me, and I am getting so excited to meet him! I honestly can not wait. I know that motherhood comes with many challenges, but I feel like I will be able to face them with confidence, knowing that I wanted this so badly. I know that the greater the pain we experience, the greater our capacity to feel joy. I know I will feel such joy when I get to meet this sweet little person face to face that I already love so much.
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."
1 Samuel 1:27
We are so blessed, and I will never forget it.