Here's where it all began...with these two little tests.
Actually it all began in May of last year. We were on a trip to Utah visiting one of my best friends/former mission companion. We had decided to start trying a month prior to the trip, and I was pretty sure my period was late. I had already taken a test before the trip that came out negative, and left me pretty sad. Caleb was hesitant to have me take another one, as I was so sad after the previous test. I convinced him and at a trip to target we picked one up. We waited until we were back at Rachelle's sisters house to take it later that evening. I took it, set it on the counter and remember just sitting there staring at it. A second line appeared, and i have to admit I was pretty shocked! Only a month of trying and we were pregnant! I told Caleb to come into the bathroom and told him. We were both so excited and anxious at the same time. We told our friend Rachelle and we all celebrated the good news.
I went to the doctor to have the pregnancy confirmed when we got home, and after that called our families to share the news. Our baby was due December 27th, 2010. A few weeks later on a visit to Lethbridge I had started spotting and cramping. I looked up miscarriage symptoms in the book I got at the Doctors, and was getting pretty scared. I told my Mom and my sister and they reassured me that some spotting could be normal. I tried to reassure myself that everything would be ok, and we headed out on our drive home. I was still cramping pretty badly on the way home, but tried not to think about it. One part of this drive will always stick out in my mind. We stopped halfway to get something to eat at A&W. It was raining, and we ate in the car. Caleb and I were laughing and talking. Caleb looked at me and said "this is a moment I will remember for the rest of my life." I felt so much love from him in that moment and I will never forget it.
Once we got home, my bleeding got heavier and I instantly broke down. I knew in that moment what was happening. I called health link and the nurse advised me to go to the emergency room. Our experience at the ER was less than ideal. We spent a total of 16 hours there...overnight. They put an IV in my arm which was so painful, took a lot of blood, and took my blood pressure a lot. I would try to lay down and sleep for a bit on the chairs in the waiting room just to get called back again, and to again have no progress made in my diagnosis. We saw a million different nurses, a couple doctors, all of whom kept asking me the same questions over and over. It was such a horrible experience. They eventually sent us home for three hours to sleep, and then told us to come back early in the morning for an ultrasound.
We went back, waiting around again for the ultrasound. I remember laying there on that bed trying to look at the screen and trying to figure out what was going on. They sent us back to wait again and were finally seen by a doctor. He was actually , very sympathetic, and broke us the sad news. We had lost the baby. It was Mother's Day.
I was lucky enough to take the next couple weeks off work, and really barely left the house. The healing process was difficult and seemed to take forever. It was so hard on both me and Caleb. It's still hard, and I still often think and wonder about that little baby I lost.
We were advised to wait a bit before trying again. We waited a couple months, and I knew the best thing for me would to be pregnant again as soon as possible. I hadn't expected it to be anything but easy, because it only took us a month last time.
Month after month went by...and I started to get more and more worried. I worried myself crazy and was so depressed and couldn't understand why I wasn't getting pregnant. 8 months went by, and with them came a lot of negative pregnancy tests, and a lot of tears. I was tracking my cycles religiously, so if i was at all late i knew it.
I wasn't quite late, but it was the first day I could take a pregnancy test...and it was on my mind...as it was all the time of late. I waited until the morning to take it. I was scheduled to work late that day, and Caleb was already at school. I took the test and didn't look at it for a while, fearing the worst. I went back and saw one line...and then one other faint line. I instantly broke into tears...and then I figured it must be wrong. It was so light...it had to be wrong. I googled myself silly, and came to the conclusion that false positives are rare and almost never happen. I put the test in a ziplock bag and it might sound crazy, but i took it to work with me. I kept it in my desk drawer and had to look at it every 15 minutes. I just couldn't believe it was real...and at this point I really didn't believe it. I had to work my whole shift until I could get home and tell Caleb what was going on.
I came home, and asked him to come look at something. I gave him the pregnancy test...he studied it for a minute, and then looked at me and said "you're not pregnant." He wasn't as well versed in pregnancy tests as I was. :) I told him it meant that I was...at least I thought I was. We hugged and I cried, but were still hesitant. I felt robbed of the whole experience this time. I wanted so badly just to be so excited and not worry...but the worst case scenerio just lingered in the back of my mind. Caleb was hesitant too.
I took another test in the morning and it looked similar. We told our family a few days later. My Mom instantly broke into tears...and so did I. She was so happy....and so I was, but I was still so anxious. I went to the doctor a few weeks later to have it confirmed.
It took a while for it to all sink in, and it finally did. I was still so worried, and was so anxious for our first ultrasound at 13 weeks. I was preparing for the worst. It was so relieving and amazing to see that little baby on the screen, and when the tech finally showed us the heartbeat i was able to relax a bit. It all became more real and more exciting. I was really sick this time, which was horrible, but reassuring as well.
We actually bought a doppler second hand, which was the best purchase ever. It really put my mind at ease to be able to hear that little heartbeat each night before I went to bed. I think the moment when i was able to truly relax and enjoy this pregnancy and when I was able to feel him move. I absolutely love feeling him kick and move around, and it often brings me to tears.
Although we went through some sorrow to get to this point, I feel like it has really helped me be so grateful to be a mother. I have never taken this experience for granted, and have tried my best not to complain, because I know there are so many others who would do anything to trade places with me. I still have anxieties and fears, but for now I am trying my best just to enjoy this experience while I have it. I love having this sweet little baby growing inside me, and I am getting so excited to meet him! I honestly can not wait. I know that motherhood comes with many challenges, but I feel like I will be able to face them with confidence, knowing that I wanted this so badly. I know that the greater the pain we experience, the greater our capacity to feel joy. I know I will feel such joy when I get to meet this sweet little person face to face that I already love so much.
"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."
1 Samuel 1:27
We are so blessed, and I will never forget it.