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Friday, February 4, 2011


Before I miscarried my first pregnancy, and then have been waiting and waiting to get pregnant....I was ignorant to a lot of things, which I'm sure a lot of people are if they never have trouble getting pregnant.

Things I didn't know:

-how much fertility treatments can cost. They are not cheap people! Currently the Alberta government does not cover these costs. In calgary it can take up to six months to even get into the fertility clinic, and although we haven't started being tested for anything, I have read that there is test after test after test to go through beforehand.

-adoption is expensive! Even through LDS family services there is still a cost. I don't know about Canada, but in the US the adoption fees are from $,4000 to $10,000. (I read this on the LDS family services website) Private and international adoption cost much more than that.

-adoptions can fall through. I have been reading and reading on the Internet about other people's experiences...hence why I feel a little less ignorant. A lot of couples that try to adopt have it fall through as the birth mother changes her mind sometimes. I even read one story of a couple who brought their adopted baby home for a few days before the mother had terminated her rights, and she ended up changing her mind and taking the baby back. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that would be.

- women who struggle with fertility have depression rates similar to terminally ill cancer patients.

-that so many women struggle with miscarriages and infertility. It seems there are a lot, and you would never know because it's not something a lot of people are open with.

Although we're not sure what the future holds for us, these past 11 months have really opened my eyes to things that i was completely ignorant of. Although many other women struggle for years and years to get pregnant, I have had a small taste of what it feels like...and it doesn't feel good. It's actually heart breaking. When you have grown up with the idea that you will get married, get pregnant and have children and that doesn't happen for you, it's terribly difficult.

When you are 27 years old in the church and some of your friends are finished having their families, it makes you feel terribly left out, and alone.

When people at church say things like, "I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father trusted me with his children." You wonder why children are born into unfit families all the time...but not yours. You wonder why people have to struggle through this and others don't....and you wonder why you do.

You wonder why some people have 5 or more miscarriages in their lifetime...and many people never have one. It makes life seem cruel and unfair.

But I am actually really grateful that I am no longer completely ignorant to what other women go through. It means that the rest of my life I will be there to help others, and I will be careful what I say around other women. So many things people say can be cruel and hurtful, just because they are not aware of what you are going through, or they are not aware that other people's situations are different than theirs. I have had many ignorant things said to me that have been so hurtful, and have come home crying to Caleb on many occasions...but I just have to remember that they don't understand, and at one time I didn't either.

This is just the reason I am wanting to be more open with our struggles. Because so many women suffer alone, thinking they are the only ones. I have come across blogs and articles by women who have been open with their experience that have helped me immensely, and I want to pay it forward i suppose, in just being open and honest.

I might not be able to have babies right now, but this is one thing I can do.


kate lines said...

oh wow, this post really got me today (it's been one of those weeks) it's so painful to want in the way one wants a child when they can't have one. it's a different type of want (and a different type of hurt) but it is crazy how many women deal with this.

i hope we both get what we want soon. :)

Wilsons said...

I'm sorry if I was ever one of those ignorant insensitive people - even though I am adopted I never knew some of those stats. If you are ever interested one of my good friends tried for 7 years before getting pregnant. She tried fertility treatments, naturalists, the works and finally found a natural vitamin deficiency thing her body was missing and has now had 4 girls in the past 6 years. I could pass on her info to you if you are ever interested in learning what she did to best help her body get preggers.

me said...

Very well said Kakes. Love you so much!!! XOXOXOXO

Emily said...

I'm so glad I know this about you. It's so hard to know who you is sensitive about certain topics! The other night when we were all at Mindy's house, of course a lot of conversations were centered around children and child birth and I was feeling badly for another girl there that I suspect is having problems in that department, but I had no clue you did as well. Having had a miscarriage myself, I can understand the loss felt. But I can't truly understand how you feel because I do have other children. I'm sorry if anything we talked about made you feel sad!! You're a pretty strong person to be open about how you're feeling and the things you're going through. It is helpful to many people I am sure!!!

jessica.adams said...

Hi! I found your blog through Young People in Love and had to comment on this post and let you know how much I appreciate it! Fertility treatment is very expensive, very time and energy consuming, and frankly very obnoxious. And, for me, it's a tuff thing to blog about. So good for you for being brave!
I love your blog and will be stopping by again!